pass the fork...

Four years ago this week (last Sunday to be exact) the woman I had spent close to thirty years with left this world. I still remember the day we buried her quite clearly, what I did, some of the thoughts I had, what the weather was like. As I drove back towards home with my son I was thinking about how different life would be now, and I remember the under laying sadness that hung over me. But along with that sadness, there was relief too. The past four months watching my wife seemingly age forty years had been a huge strain on my family and I remember thinking "now I move on, we all move on". But to what I didn't know at the time. I started by going back to work, but ironically my first Saturday back on the job was interrupted with a phone call from my son, finding out that my dad had just died, and I found myself on a plane to California within hours, and then spending the next two weeks sorting things out there for my mom.

I remember that first Christmas sitting on my couch at home, looking at the lights on the tree and the glow it gave the living room, the same room my wife had died in three months earlier. If it hadn't been for my son's work, I wouldn't have even had the tree or lights up. I sat there on that couch, and just felt numb and sad. Sad for all that could have been, but never was between us.
On New Years Eve I was sick, but I remember standing at the back door listening to the fireworks and gunshots (ah life in north Idaho...) and wondering where I might be the next December 31st. Never would have guessed Tasmania...

But that holiday season I had just discovered a new place to express myself and my feelings. Thanks in part to my hospice grief counselor who said I should write and a blogger who went by the name of "Oblivion", I found myself here on blogger, and I began to write about everything.

Many people don't get the concept of blogging but it worked well for me. It allowed me to read the stories of other people that had or were going through the same things I had with my wife, and to write about my experiences and feelings as well.

What I didn't expect was all the life changing feedback that I received through the years, and it never ceases to amaze me the wisdom we all have to share, and it still does.

I made so many new friends, and followed their stories of life (and death sometimes) on their blogs. Oblivion and her story of a husband who didn't want to have sex, Maureen and her fight with breast cancer, and more recently the discovery of a long lost son, Gillette who writes with such wisdom I was nervous about meeting her the first time because of it, Deb and her insights as she examined life and herself. My friend who goes by the name "Loving Annie" was there for me several times, most notably when I needed a friend to call the day I changed the locks and threw my daughter out of my house. Fiona who was there when I just needed a friend to talk to (and I'm so happy for her and Steve now). My friend Drama (and her son "Bug") whom I visited three times and went to an Alanis Morissette concert with and traveled to a blogger meet and greet together. These are people I still have contact with today, and just because we first met on the Internet doesn't make them less friends, in fact in most cases we've share so much were closer than some friends I've had for years. This is one of the coolest things about blogging. All told I've met 19 bloggers in person, and I have never once been disappointed.
And of course there was Kimba, a very special woman who took a chance when most wouldn't. And although things didn't end up the way many bloggers (and I) had hoped for, she and I were good for each other in ways I still am discovering, and I continue to smile when I read about Taz, and more recently the purchase of her first home. She's one hell of a groovie chick ;)

So when thinking about this final post for my blog, I kept thinking what did it do for me?

It would be easy to say something flash and melodramatic like "It saved my life", but that isn't quite right.

What it did do was more simple, it help figure out who I really was, to find the real me for the first time in my life. I held none of my thoughts back, sugar coated nothing. It cost me some family, and friends as well. But what I gained was more important, the most important thing.

And that is what this blog has meant to me.

I've had people write to me saying I inspired them with what I wrote here, or with what I went through. Or they write that they're going through similar circumstances to mine, and thank me for sharing my experiences.

And that to me is what blogging is all about, or at least can be. We can share our life stories and learn from each other. It lets us know we're not alone in our situations and feelings, and that others are going through similar situations.

Recently a popular blogger was found out to be a fake, and while that does happen, I think most of us know who the real ones really are. Some write for the entertainment value, creating fake persona's, making us laugh, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. But for me it was personal and honest, a look into my life as I started putting it together again in a different way. I knew no other way to write. For years I had thought of writing books, but never did. But now I think of this as my book, hell I've written enough here it probably could be one...

So if you're reading this for the first time, maybe having found your way here from a google search, old blogging link or a comment I left, I say welcome. Look around as much or little as you want. I'm no one special, just a middle aged man who got a "do over" from life through a sad set of circumstances, and this is the story of my journey since then. Granted we never stop learning and changing, but I think it's worked out pretty well so far.

This blog will remain for others to read, and I will still read and comment on other blogs and facebook as well. But I have nothing more to add here, and so it's time to end it and devote my energies elsewhere.

To all that have read and commented through the years, I thank you.
You've been wonderful.

Now where did I put that fork?

;)