dream

I woke up this morning from a dream and cried. I was at some quasi like church (because everyone was sitting in white pews), and there was a game show going on of some sort. The master of ceremonies was interviewing potential players, all older elderly women with cute funny things to say it seemed, and one was sitting next to me, and I offered to hold her donut while she talked to the game show host. I remember looking at the donut, it was exactly half eaten, and blueberry frosted with sprinkles.
Then I looked back over my right shoulder and there was my mother, laying down on a pew in another room by herself, looking as she did just before she died, frail, thin, bony. She was shaking, covered in one of her super thin blankets she preferred to use and I went to her, and held her. She was crying as she told me how sorry she was for everything she had done to me (odd as I don't know what that could be, she was a good mom), and I started crying too, telling her she hadn't done anything wrong. She was still shaking, in pain, dying again in front of me. I picked her up and carried her outside, where the sun was shining and it was a beautiful warm summer day. I remember pine trees, blue skies, and a lake along a long wide paved path. Then I bought her back to the room and laid her back down on the pew, and watched her moaning and writhing in her death throes. And then I woke up.
I know why I had this dream today, because even though I hadn't consciously thought about it for a couple days, my subconscious knew. Today would have been her birthday.
Happy birthday mom, I miss you and still love you.