who’s up for a little polyamory?

Note: I wrote this post several days ago, before my little funk hit yesterday...But I'm doing better now, really. Please note the paragraph about Sheila, I do know it would be a bad choice.


Over the past few months I been reading a lot about monogamy and polyamory, relationships and intimacy, and thinking about where I am in my life and where I want to be or explore in regards to a relationship.

I was raised to believe that part of being successful meant being married. My parents both had one failed marriage each until they found each other, and were happily married for 47 years until dad passed away. Most all my family was married with the exception of my cousin Judy, who was living with Chris, a woman (gasp!). After my wife died, one day it hit me: oh my god, I’m going to have to date again!, and hand in hand with that, I wonder when I’ll get married again?

Last year I remember Kimba asking me early in our on-line relationship, what were my intentions toward her? I answered easily at the time, that if things worked out with us, marriage, of course. Heh, she never told me how that made her feel, but I probably scared the shit out of her then. I look back now and realise that was either incredibly bold or naive of me to say then. I was very black and white at that time…

Now, I’m just not so sure I’m ready to jump back into that place of matrimony and commitment. I've realised I don't have to get married again, and that thought intrigues me...

Perhaps it's because before I returned the second time to Australia, I was just starting to feel more comfortable by myself. But I was very happy in Kimba's arms, and with her company in Oz, and even though we didn't have that "spark", we both would have been very contented to continue with what we did have. (Why? I think Crushed said it well in this post. We all crave intimacy.) Now though, I've got that comfortable feeling back again, I noticed the difference during my recent drive down to California, in comparison to my drive of last August. I'm OK being single right now. It even feels good to write it out now, and makes me smile...

My friend Shelia has told me she could never get married again because she would lose her government health benefits she has to have with her medical problems, but if I were to live with her I would be right back in a needy, constricted relationship like I had in my first marriage, only worse and I sure as hell don’t want that again. I want someone who doesn’t need me to complete them, who can stand to occasionally spend time away from me if needed, rather it’s for a few days or a week, and then come back without any drama.

I think what I'm really looking for right now is the freedom to explore and try new things. Last year my friend Tiffany promised to buy me a lapdance, and I plan to take her up on the offer soon. I've been interested in bondage, and I wrote in a sex meme a while back that I’d like to be part of a threesome, either M/M/F or M/F/F (I know, I know, what man doesn't...Stop rolling your eyes Deb...). And maybe even try swinging/group sex (for a interesting read about a first swinging experience, go here). Since I'm being completely honest here, if my partner were to ask me to go down on a guy we were having sex with, I would consider it (Sorry Kate, no kissing though...). Maybe I just want to try these things for the experience, I know they may never even happen, and could be just the stuff of fantasies. I've also read about some couples that allow each other to have sex with other people away from their partners, and that it helps their relationships to grow. I don't know if I could be that open, I tend to be jealous and insecure, but perhaps with the right woman those fears could be alieved.

I guess I'm just trying to be open to all the possibilities out there, and as much as I've changed myself in other aspects of my life, I want to be open to expanding my sexual horizons if the opportunities present themselves, or I decide to persue them.

Of course, this may turn out to be mute point if I come across the perfect lass for me, one who would kiss, lick, suck, bite, tie down, whisper naughty thoughts, caress, cuddle, and fornicate in all the right ways and places; and make me leave all these thoughts by the wayside.


Or would I?