all good things...

Lately I have found myself with less time to read the blogs, and I’ve realized that what I’m writing now is mostly fluff and filler, just to post something. I have a half dozen “light reading” posts partially written, and no real desire to finish them. When I started this blog, I had a reason for writing, and the words poured out. As I wrote the last post and got to the part about having reconciled the issues about my wife and the life I had with her, I realized I really have worked through them, and when I read through my four part story while I was editing it, I was nervous at first I might find it hard to read, but that didn’t happen at all, it was easy, and more to the point cathartic to read. This blog has done what it was meant to do.

But for a couple of months now, I have felt my blog has been winding down, and now it’s time to move on. I want to concentrate on my photography, and I need to give more of my attention to it. And stopping on the last day of the year seems tidy. Now I’m not saying I won’t come back to it from time to time, especially if I have something important to talk about, and I plan to keep posting my snapshot Saturday photos. I will keep up with your blogs the best I can, but may not have as much time to comment as I used to.

No goodbyes just yet, I can't bring myself to do that, you all mean too much to me to just vanish like some have, or had to. For now though, it’s time to ride off into the sunset, but I won’t quite disappear over the horizon.

After all, the sun does rise again every day…

And one thing I’ve learned in life is to never say never…

Cheers,

Fuse

P.S. I hope everyone has a Happy New Year! I'll be in Georgetown, Tasmania at midnight, and be one of the first in the world to ring in the new year... the adventures continue...

a question of honor

It finally happened just before Christmas, my deceased wife’s side of the family found my blog, not that I was hiding it much anymore, but still, they took it into their own hands to search for it. I have never given out the address to anyone card blanc, and had they asked for it, I would have politely declined and explained how the blog world works, i.e. it’s anonymous (if you want it to be), private (to the extent you want it to be), and like a electronic diary you share with other people who do the same thing.

It solicited two emails, the first one told me to remove all mention of a family member in a particular post(which I did) and I was corrected about a key bit of information that was wrong, which surprised me as it was told to me by my wife. I had worked hard on the posts I wrote, because I wanted my facts straight, and if I wasn’t 100% sure about something, I left it out (writing about events that happened over 30 years is tough). Of course I couldn’t go to these family members for more info, and I only had one mutual friend of my wife and me to verify a couple of things with.

There were several things said in the first email that caught me off guard, but the one that made me think the most was how they would let me deal with my “dishonor” myself.
Did I dishonor my wife, or her memory? While we were married, I never cheated on her, never berated her (as she did me), tried all I could to give her a good life and happiness. When she was dying from the brain tumor, my son and I both took the best care of her we could, I honored all of her wishes, save one (I have a small second mortgage left on the house). Now, because I wrote this blog that is about my feelings, my changes, and my life today, I have dishonored her? I looked at the posts the two family members read (thank you stat counter). They read Secrets part 1, 2, and 3, but never read the most important one, part 4. I’ve written over 270 posts, many of them dealing with my wife, and events related to my marriage, but they didn’t look through those. I doubt it would have changed their opinions much, but they would have had a more balanced look at my life today. And yes, I’m not the same person I was a year ago, in fact I’m very different, and if I had gone through with my plans to separate and divorce my wife, I’m sure I would be on their shit list anyway by now.

So if, in their eyes, I’ve dishonored her memory, so be it. I feel I did all I could while she was alive, and that is what counts in my mind. She will always be a part of me, and I have reconciled my life with her now, thanks largely to this blog.

Another thought: this family member may have been talking about dishonor towards God as well, since they are christian. If so, I've worked through that as well, in two posts they didn't read.

And the other email I received?
I deleted it without reading it.
Why you may ask?

The subject line read: Your Cool Blog.

Yeah, that’s why I write here, so I can be cool…

snapshot saturday #40

I was going to post another photo of Taz, the wonder dog, but decided that everyone must be getting tired of that by now, so here's a shot I took near home on the tram hill (really just a overpass for the trams to get over the commuter train lines. I took this picture the same time as the current banner shot at the top. I really like the composition of it.

Oops, how did this get here? heh heh, little Christmas dog...

Merry Christmas

This is my favorite holiday song and it's from the Christmas special they did years ago. I made a copy of the CD for Kimba's mum before Christmas and yesterday as I walked into the backyard, I heard this song playing on the CD player, and it was nice to hear. I always listen to this song at least a few times every season.

I am writing this in the backyard right now on Christmas night, which is Christmas eve back in the states. Most of the family is still here and we're enjoying the cool evening and good company, two Jack Russells (Kimba's brother's family has a six week old puppy), great food and drink. I am thinking of my family back home and missing them now, but know they will have a good holiday too.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas day, and gets everything they want under the tree.

Merry Christmas from down under,
John

the 2nd day...

Today is my Mom’s 83rd birthday, and the 1st anniversary of this blog. My mom is doing much better now and the doctors are going to be checking her blood weekly to make sure she doesn’t develop any new clots. Her home care workers have put up the Christmas tree and some decorations around the house, and it sounds like my sister and nephew will be there on Christmas day, and I’m glad they will be together.

One year ago today I started this blog.
Now, 267 posts later, I find myself in a new place, and new frame of mind. Through my writings and thoughts, and the comments and thoughts of others that have been left here, I have worked through so much in this year. I’m not the same person I was this time last year (many of you have said as much), and that is what life is all about, growing, changing, reinventing. Reading many of your blogs made me realize that I was not alone in how I felt, and how my life had been lived, and that so many others have a multitude of situations to live with as well.

I’ve made friends here that I never expected to, and it doesn’t matter that it’s cyberfriendships, because many times we end up feeling closer to our friends online than we do with our friends in real life because of what and how we write here, telling our fears and secrets, and our hopes and dreams, and sometimes we share even more… stories, life experiences and HNT’s.

Sometimes we even meet fellow bloggers in real life…
Sometimes it sends you on adventures you never thought you could go on…

Many have come and gone, Artful Dodger, another blogger who's name I can’t remember that developed MS, Mr. Nice Guy, and just this month, Laughing Boy. One friend I made found out she had breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and is now a survivor who through it all showed bravery and courage, and shared it all with us, and still shared pictures of herself on Thursdays!

I can’t imagine how I would have fared without blogging this last year, and I thank everyone (you all know who you are) who have been here for me, and I hope I have been there for you too.

So here’s to the next year.

I wonder what I'll be writing next Dec 23rd?

I can't wait to find out...

the 3rd day...

Another video from my favorite Christmas movie Love Actually, and according to IMDB,
Olivia Olson does all her own singing in "All I Want for Christmas is You" at the Christmas concert. She had such an amazing voice that the director had it edited so it sounded more like a child singing.

the 4th day...

This video was all over You Tube and the internet last season, but it's fascinating and fun to watch. I watched the interview the family did on the Today show last year as well, the owner spent two months and $10,000 to put up over 25,000 lights. Wow. The music is Wizards In Winter, by Trans-Siberian Orchestra, who also did another one of my favorite Christmas songs, The Ghosts Of Christmas Eve.

the 5th day...

One of my favorites, as well as that of many others too. I remember watching the Christmas special in 1977, shown a few months after Bing's death, with my dad. He had no idea who David Bowie was...

the 6th day...

This is a disturbing video in itself... what the hell is santa doing with that snowman in the cabin anyway???

So this story is about how Chucky the psycho snowman came to be. Years ago one of my co-workers Cheryl brought in one of her favorite Christmas decorations, a cloth snowman who danced about on a plastic base to the song Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, with about a one minute pause between dances. We set it up in our bill pay area for three seasons. One of our other co-workers Lila complained about how she couldn't concentrate on her work when the music played, so we'd turn the music off, but the snowman would still dance. It was funny because Lila would start when it would begin dancing. My friend (and co-worker) Don and I named it Chucky, as he seemed possessed when he would start dancing out of the blue, and put scissors in it's hand. Sometime during the next year I found a small toy saw that was left in the store and I saved it for Chucky to dance with the next two seasons. Don and I also came up with new lyrics to go with him, based on the Brenda Lee song.

Slashing around the Christmas Tree,
Have a bloody holiday...

Yes, Don and I were very warped, crazy guys back then, in the days that our job was something we looked forward to doing...Sadly Cheryl left after another year, the first of our close group to leave because of the growing problems with the workplace. I still keep in touch with her though.
And we all have some wonderful memories from those days.

the 7th day...

Working holiday memories...

One Christmas morning (1988?) I was opening the Thrifty drug store in Hemet, Ca, where I lived for ten years before moving to Idaho. I was an assistant manager for the company, and most years had to pull the holiday shift. Every Christmas brought in customers with strange requests, as we were the only store open on the holiday in those days...This year one of the first customers through the door was a guy dressed as santa, complete with hat, but with a solid grey beard. He came up to my and my floor supervisor Tammy (surprised I remember her name...) and asked us where the stuff was that would turn his beard temporarily white... We were dumbfounded, and told him we didn't have anything that would do that, which started to anger him immediately. He said that he was told we would have a product to do this last night, and I asked him who he had talked to at the store about it. He said it was someone at the K-Mart across town. I politely told him that unfortunately their staff would not know what we carried, but he insisted that this person he had talked to was positive we had the product. Tammy and I gave him several ideas, I remember mine was to use white shoe polish, but he didn't like that much. Finally he said something to the effect of us being a fucking useless store, and left in a huff, and I was glad there were no little kids in the store at that time to hear santa cussing. As Tammy and I shook our heads, I thought Merry Christmas to you too buddy.

On Christmas day of 1993, I was working at a store in Palm Springs, Ca. Being that we were a Drug store a pharmacist had to work as well, and the one that came in that day I had worked with before, and he was a very odd man. First thing he gave me that day was a tape he asked me to give to the store manager, explaining it was porn he had recorded off satellite, because he and the store manager had had an argument about rather it could be done or not, and this was his proof to show it could...
Part way through the day I heard people shouting back by the pharmacy counter and so I headed back there to find out what was going on. I found the pharmacist and a husband shouting at each other, and a wife and daughter crying off to the side. The wife kept saying let's just leave, I don't want a scene. I tried to find out what was going on, but the pharmacist kept shouting and the husband couldn't get a word in edgewise and kept shouting back at the pharmacist. I finally had to turn to the pharmacist and tell him twice to go back into the pharmacy before he did. In the end it turned out that the couple had allowed the prescription to run out on an important medication for their daughter, and the pharmacist was convinced they were trying to scam meds off him. I went into the pharmacy and told him to give them two days worth of meds (which I knew was legal for him to do under California law, and he could have done for them), and I went out and told the family they would have to get a new prescription before they could come back. After they left, I went back in the pharmacy and told him if he pulled anything like that again, I would called his boss even if it was Christmas. First and only time in 11 1/2 years working for that company I ever called down on a pharmacist. That was the last Christmas I ever had to close for Thrifty thankfully, and his last as well, as he was fired a few months later. No surprise there...what a prick.

Anybody else have any working holiday stories out there?

the 8th day...

I was tagged by my friend Marlea last week, so here it is, starting my countdown to christmas... Yeah, so much for staying away from blogging...

Rules: "...answer the questions and tag at least one person..."

"When people say 'Christmas' you immediately think..."
Memories of having to work them for many years while my kids were growing up. The company, Thrifty Drug Stores, was owned by three Jewish brothers. Now I have absolutely now issues with anyone Jewish, but it would have been nice if they had thought about all their non Jewish employees...I also have a funny story about being cussed out by Santa on one Christmas day, and a crazy pharmacist on another one, I'll write about them this week...

And as a retail worker all my life, the Christmas holidaze were not something I looked forward too, some years I never really had any holiday spirit at all. The last eight years I worked for Verizon I was in a mall, and the shit Christmas music that was played there was truly awful...the worst being I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause by the Jackson 5...awful...But one of my best memories happened there too, Chucky, the psycho snowman...I'll write about him too this week...

"Favourite Christmas memory..."
On Christmas Eve, which was when my family and my Dad's brother's family would all get together, I remember looking out the front window of my house watching my dad and grandfather talking before he drove home in his 1958 gold Edsel. My favorite Santa Ana winds were blowing (back in the day before they caused so many fires), and as I was standing next to our pure white flocked tree, listening to the wind, and watching my family members heading home, and I had a feeling of perfect peace and happiness that I still remember with such clarity it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I couldn't tell you a single thing I got for Christmas that year, but in my most unhappy childhood, it is a moment that I have never forgotten. I think I was 11 or 12.

"Favourite Christmas song/carol..."
I like hearing some, but not all of the "classics". Silent Night, when sung right, is my favorite. I also love the version of Little Drummer Boy that Bing Crosby and David Bowie did, and more recently the version that Wendy and Carnie Wilson did. My all time favorite song is The Greatest Gift Of All, by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, which I found on you tube a few days ago and will share with everyone later this week. My guilty pleasure favorite this year is by Bill Nighy (yes, the actor) singing Christmas Is All Around Us,
from
my
"Favourite Christmas movie..."
Love Actually, although I will watch this movie anytime of the year, it doesn't matter...



"Favourite Christmas character..."
Snowmen, not Frosty, just snowmen. It's a Christmas character if you give it lights and holly and shit like that, right?

"Favourite Christmas ornament/object..."
Don't laugh, there were these stuffed ornaments that Carl's Jr. (a fast food chain from southern California) were giving away one season. We bought them all, and they get put up every year, in fact I saw them in the picture of Matt and Jay's tree.

"Plans for this Christmas..."
Christmas will be at Kimba's mums place, with about 20 people in attendance, and I will be trying plum pudding for the first time this Christmas.

"Is Christmas your favourite holiday?"
No, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, Christmas. Shrug.

As for tagging people... I tag Chrissy.

crook, clarified, & 3D snapshot saturday

I'm back, although I've been sick with a nasty lower GI infection that has kept me running to bathroom far more than I wish. The dog chewed up the phone line and left me with no way to log on, abit once in a while with a extremely weak wireless signal that the neighbors graciously turned back on two days ago... but it barely works...sigh. We were going to get a high speed service, but they called and said it would take three more weeks and a small fortune to hook up, Kimba said no thanks.

I've decided to cut back on the blogging for a while, maybe post something once or twice a week tops, and a photo on Saturdays. Blogging has become less fun for me lately, and I just can't devote the time to it that I once did. Down the road that may change. For now I need to get out more and explore with my 3 1/2 months I have left here. Once I get back home I think I shall be a very busy man, one big reason being the little girl seen here in this incredible 3D ultrasound. This is the best of the four photos, and I have two videos as well, one showing her arm moving, and the other opening and closing her mouth several times. Just amazing technology...

time out

The last posts on Kimba and my blogs have brought up a multitude of comments and thoughts, and made it clear to me that living with someone who blogs, and reading each others blogs, creates some very interesting dynamics. Two Comments made last night have good points here.

Em said: How very strange to have a relationship like this with input from all your mutual blogging friends. I'd want out of that. . .but this is how you met! So, sort of unavoidable isn't it?
This has been an issue for us since we started Em, and has made us feel like we're living in a fishbowl. But the crazy part is that we made the fucking bowl ourselves...

Elizabeth also added: I simply assumed that it would be awkward to live with a person after you have decided you have no future with that person. It would be awkward for me, but perhaps that is not the case for others. It sounds as if it isn't the case for you two.
That's right Elizabeth, until I leave here April 10th (or sooner if there are any issues with my mom, daughter, or for another reason), we are comfortable now with being what I call roommates with benefits.

I realise now that what Kimba was writing was in her style, and I was just the example. I should have chilled as Deb said and Cat echoed, but that's not the easiest thing for me to do always. I'm not perfect, ha, far from it actually. I also find myself quite naive when it comes to relationships, and yesterday afternoon I received a well deserved ass whipping from someone I think very highly of. She made me realise that I need to clarify some things both here on my blog, and with Kimba and I. Some of that I just did here, some of it we did just last night, and some of it I still need too, so for now I am going to take a break, it may be for a few days, or a week, but I will be back.

Until then you all carry on, and have a good holiday season.

damned if you do, damned if you don't

Kimba wrote a post on her blog that I won't respond to, because 1) I've promised I won't leave comments on there anymore because it makes her feel like I'm intruding on her space,
and 2) as I tried to write a response to it, I kept erasing it, because I didn't like how it made me sound or look. Like I was trying to defend myself, when I shouldn't have to. That's the problem with blogging and reading someones posts that you're close to. She thinks this post was funny, I don't, at least in the way she wrote it about me, it paints me in a way I don't like, but no matter what I would say about it, I come off sounding like I don't know what, stupid for making so much of it maybe... It was a simple little comment I made in honesty, and after 2 1/2 cans of my favorite drink of choice, Johnny Walker and cola, I was somewhat drunk, it appears it doesn't take much to get me there. Don't get me wrong, I could still talk normally and walk fine, but I knew better than to drive. Kimba asked me earlier during the company Christmas party if I was ok to drive or if she should stop drinking so she could drive. She gave me the 1/2 can she had left, and started drinking water. She has a much higher tolerance to alcohol as well...
We laughed about the comment in the car after I said it, and the next day when I was sober I told her again that I still thought so. I give compliments, so sue me.
I'll be interested to read the comments made to the post, George's comment I didn't agree with (no offense George, we all have opinions), but I'm not the show me your tits baby kinda guy... Should I be? Do women like that? hmmm, more research...

Anyway, am I making too much out of this? Do I need to chill out more? Am I still such a newbie to all this dating stuff that I don't know what to say or not?

*Insert large sigh here*

snapshot sunday, and update...

These photos of our Thanksgiving dinner were taken last Sunday, the first chance we had had to fix it due to all our traveling about. We had turkey, one of Kimba's signature salads, and my favorite green bean casserole, with the principle ingredient imported from the US. No apple or pumpkin pies to be found though, so raspberry tarts were a nice substitute. You may notice the thanksgiving dog in the first picture, he was wasted away by the heat that day, although the next day was cold, with pouring rain from all day thunderstorms.

Update on my mom: She is home now after five days in the hospital. I talked to her today and she sounded good, but more confused than I've ever known her to be before, forgetting where I last worked and for how long... stuff like that. But I hope it's after effects of her hospitalization. I will talk to her again in a few days.

I've taken some great photos lately for the company Kimba works for, but until releases are obtained, I can't share them with you all, hopefully I can soon...I was taking pictures this weekend at the company's annual end of year conference, and had a great time doing it.

Cheers!

it's a girl!

Yes, I'm going to have a granddaughter, and if my daughter gets her way the baby's name will be Lyna Nicole (pronounced Lee-na). I'd love to share the last name with everyone, because you wouldn't believe it. No one does when I tell them... But I told K that even if L doesn't like that name, she's the mom and her word is final! I had wanted to name K Cheyenne way back when, but my wife said no way, so I'm passing that tradition on to her. And we told K she had two big thumbs up from Oz on the name choice.
What was very interesting to hear about was her 3D ultrasound she had. There was no doubt about the sex of the baby as they zoomed right in on her girl bits, and she also saw the baby open her mouth and move her arms around. She is currently 15 ounces and 12 inches long. Amazing.

I'm going to have a grand daughter...

I'm really going to be a grandpa...

Amazing.

this and that

So for the first time in a long time I'm feeling drama free I think to myself. With the exception of my mom's hospitalization, I'm good...

Actually I am feeling happy, really happy. More than I've been since May of 2006 when my world crashed down around me...

So what do I write about now?

Tomorrow I will find out if I have a boy or girl grandbaby...
I will also be babysitting two boys, 3 and 1. Cormack, and Bromley, the neighbor's kids across the street. Bromley and I have this thing, every time he sees me he gets this big smile on his face... Taz will be accompanying me too, and it should be fun...

I was asked by Kimba's boss to take photos at their annual company conference on Saturday, kinda nice that he thinks highly of my photography skills...

I am going FUCKING INSANE with the slow dial up here at home right now, we had been "sharing" high speed wireless with some neighbors behind us who never encrypted the signal, but last week they shut it off. We have signed up for new high speed, but have to wait another EIGHT DAYS!!!!!

Checked my statcounter for the first time in a while and got a chuckle at the Recent keyword activity. Here's some of the good ones:

1) Kicking Daughter's Boyfriend... hmm, never did literally, but was tempted once or twice.
2) oh god oh god her pussy/cunt/breasts/tits-dad-mom-dog... WTF? dog?
3) blow job greetings... hmmm, when you care enough to give the very best? Maybe a whole new division for hallmark, ay?
4) look at the size of that cock... gosh, it isn't that big...
5) unexpected pussy... never a bad thing, right?
6) little blowjobs... is that what you get when you forget the card?
7) cherry ripe burlesque... what?
8) spank castle romance... uh, Tom or Cat, do you want to handle this one?
9) fucking ohhhhhhhhhh... yep, that about covers it...
10) reheating prawns... but I haven't even put them on the barbie yet...

Well that's it for today, now you'll have to excuse me, I have to go extract an alien from the loo...

early morning call

At 4:22 this morning my cell phone rang beside my bed. It was from my mom's primary caretaker Nancy, telling me mom is in the hospital. I knew something was wrong when I talked with my mom two days ago, but she wouldn't tell me what. It turns out she has a blood clot in her right arm between her waist and elbow. It's 10:05am and I just got off the phone with Nancy, and she told me the doctors have decided to use medication instead of surgery to dissolve the clot because of her age (82), and she'll be in the hospital for several more days. She's on blood thinners right now, and her fingers and hand are showing improved circulation today. I was glad to hear that my sister and nephew are with her too. I know how serious this is, my wife had blood clots in her right arm and both legs the last two weeks of her life, and I was told what would happen if one or more of them broke free, so these next couple days will be critical for my mom...

10:20am. Just talked to mom, and she sounds ok, just a little confused. And as with every call, she tells me she wishes I were there.

Sigh.

christmas traditions

One of my annual traditions is the Fuller Christmas Letter, north Idaho edition. I have sent one out for over ten years now, and so I will share it here as well. I included 8 photos on a second page, most of which have been shared here, so I won't put those up. What are some of your traditions?

The 2007 Fuller Family Christmas Letter
North Idaho/Southern Victoria Edition

One thing about life is that you never know where it will take you and what you will find on the journey. This has been a year of changes for me and my kids. At the end of last year my hospice counselor suggested I start writing letters as a way to process my thoughts and feelings to help me recover from Kathy’s death. What I did start was a blog, where I write about my life and more online. It’s the single best decision I have made this year, and it’s been truly been life changing for me. As most, but not all of you know, I met a fellow blogger online in March. Her name is Kim and she lives in Melbourne, Australia. To make a long story short, she invited me to visit her, I did in May, and we took a holiday trip up the coast to Sydney. As I left after two weeks, we both felt there might be something more. So I came back home, and fixed up the house a bit, finalized some plans, and after 8 years with Verizon Communications, I left my job and moved to Australia in August to live with Kim. I’m working on developing a freelance photography business, enjoying some time off, and traveling around the country taking photos and exploring until April of next year, when I plan to return home. So far I’ve traveled to Darwin at the top end, the Red Centre and Uluru (Ayer’s Rock), Sydney (twice), Canberra, the capital of Australia, and traveled down the Great Ocean Road to see the Twelve Apostles. Upcoming trips include Tasmania over New Years and Perth in March. Another big change for me this year was losing 45 pounds, and shaving my head and beard off (I left a goatee). I’ve been told recently by several female friends that I look hot! I guess that’s true as summer is coming early here in southern Australia…
Back in north Idaho, Kaitlin and her boyfriend Leroy are house sitting, taking care of the pets, and right after I arrived here Katie told me she was going to have a baby, her due date is 3 days after I’m flying back to the states. I can’t believe I’m going to be a grandfather next year! Katie spent part of the year as a construction flagger, and Leroy is working for a plumbing company. Matthew and his partner Jay, who were living with me at the first of the year, moved out and have their own place in Coeur ‘d Alene. They’ve fixed it up nice and Matt is working for Target now, moving up the ladder toward supervisor. Jay is in Graphic Design, and between jobs right now.
I have plans laid out for next year as well, and I’m sure I’ll have more to write about in the next Christmas letter. I like saying it’s a big world out there, and who knows where I may end up next…I have changed so much this last year, in thoughts, in actions, in how I look at myself, the rest of the world, and the people in it. It’s been an awaking for me, and I would like to leave you with a couple of bits of wisdom from my online blogging friends who have given me so much support this year. These are everyday people like ourselves who I have met online, and we know each better than some friends I’ve had for years, because we pour everything out there to share with each other in our blogs.

Love fully, with all that is you. It may cost you pain at its end. It may inspire you to live forever.

…a lot of life is in the details. But some of it is also in the perspective.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

John