So after Virginia told me the prophecy she had received about me, she then asked me the same thing my neighbor had asked a month ago: Is this woman I am going to see/live with a Christian? Both times I have answered no, and then held my breath knowing what would come next. Virginia started saying things like "oh no, oh no, you can't expect to convert her do you?, that never happens, you can't be unequally yoked in a relationship, she'll just pull you away from the church, etc, etc...At least my neighbor was quieter about it, but did add a bit about not giving up on God just for sex, which shocked me, since I never mentioned anything to him about our physical relationship, he just assumed I guess, but I found it a bit rude myself...
What has been hard for me to tell Christians that still think I am a Christian is that I no longer believe like they do anymore. Both of these people asked me if I still believed, and I lied to them, telling them I do, just because I knew what would happen if I told them the truth. Virginia would have probably fallen down on the damn floor right there at work and started praying for my salvation. I know that no matter what I tell any Christian, it will always come back to one thing, you either believe or you don't. I just don't have any desire to argue the point, because they are sold on it, and it's cut and dried to them. They will tell you sometimes that they keep an open mind in talking about Christianity, but it's mainly to give them a chance to share the gospel with hopes of converting you.
I've reached a point in my life where my past ideals and morals have clashed with my new self, and I've come to realise that like so many other things that have changed in my life this past year, many choices I once thought were my own decisions were really not, and my views have changed dramatically.
So why did the change happen? When did it occur? I don't have a definitive time or place, the change was gradual and constant. I have always felt that many of the problems with organised religion were with the churches themselves and the people running them. K and I attended non-denominational churches through the years because they taught directly from the bible, and didn't try to interpret it at all, but simply read the verses, but even then there had to be some interjection of a pastors own feelings.
And I reached the point that I just couldn't go along with what was being taught, I felt like I was being directed to do things this way or that way because I was told God wants it done in this manner. And I finally had enough, enough guilt, enough prodding and pushing, enough "why aren't you doing more" feelings, and I suddenly didn't enjoy going on Sundays anymore. The last time I went to church was the Sunday after my wife's funeral when my neighbors talked me into going, and I went only because they had been so nice to us during her illness that I felt I owed it to them to go. But shortly after the service started I had this sick feeling in my stomach and I almost left.
I have been thinking about how the bible tells of heaven and hell, and what is taught. You can only get to heaven if you're saved/born again/say the right things or do the right things/confess your sins and so on. Those who don't go to hell. Black and white, no middle ground...
My wife's grandfather, the man who molested her and her sister as children, drank heavily, and committed adultery, buton his death bed with the help of a pastor he repented his sins , and because of that Christians will say he is in heaven this day.
But those same people would say my father who lived a good honest life in peace and took wonderful care of his wife with Parkinson's disease the last twenty years of his life, but never went to church is living in hell.
I'm sorry, but that is just fucked up. I cannot and will not follow that reasoning anymore.
I was driving through a town in Montana this last Friday evening, and there were all these people, young and old, some just little kids out on the sidewalks holding signs. One had the classic The wages of sin are death, another said something about homosexuality. I looked at these signs and the people holding them and I didn't feel anything, no hatred toward them, no feeling sorry either, I wasn't judging them I realised, but they were trying to judge others, including me now.
I never stood out on street corners with signs, never preached on a sidewalk, but I remember the judging of others all too well now. I did it because I was taught to. The pastor would always be quick to add though "be tolerant of the lost, and pray for their salvation, and spread the news to them. "
But we judged them anyway to be wrong because they didn't believe what we chose to believe.
And that is why i'm no longer a Christian.
I'm through with judging others.
17 have commented:
Bravo Fusion!
This particular form of christianity seems to have its core in certain parts of the US. And it seems to be getting stronger. The religious right (there's a misnomer if ever there was one!) appears to me, as an outsider, as developing power through its numbers.
While not judging anyone, it does seem to attract those who struggle to get to independent, intelligent thought.
As for the issue of repentant sinners going to heaven, over good people who just don't acknowledge the workings of a religions movement, yes that is totally fucked up. So you can kill a child, say I'm sorry and all is forgiven. Nope, not in my book.
I think you're moving in a good direction. And certainly one that will feed your soul more appropriately than the canned doctrine which people like Virginia grab onto.
I don't think I ever really believed there was a heaven and a hell. It didn't make sense to me. Even though I went to church for years I guess I never took the whole thing to heart. Mostly I liked the singing and the boys.
What I find slightly amusing and confusing is that virtually every religion has a "Holy Book", the word of God. There is the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, those are the ones I'm acquainted with. So, are they all right or are they all wrong.
In a logical debate, if I allow that the Bible is the word of God then I have to allow that the other books are also the word of God.
But the books are all written by men, from a male view of life. That's what finally got me about Christianity, is how it treats women. We are considered less than. Even the story of Eve, she's the bad one, she tempted Adam. What horseshit.
Anyway, as you can see, I have some rather strong opinions about religion. Basically, I want to be left alone to find my own path.
It's okay to question religion and question what you believe. I think it's necessary actually. You take care Fusion.
You are defining "christian" as those judgemental people, and "christian" as an organized religion. You don't need to pigeonhole it like that.
Do you believe in Jesus? That is the sole measure of a christian. It is not the hours logged at a church and not the number of people judged that makes one a christian. Nothing in the Bible says that. It is that you love Jesus, and have asked him into your heart. That is all. No judgement required. No church time required.
What I think I like most about these posts is your honesty. It doesn't matter the point of view really just your willingness to put it out there. If there is any one thing I am very private about..one thing I don't really write about it is religion. But like you said in comments it is a part of you and leaving it out does leave a big part of you out. I am glad you posted this.
Anonymous,
You are defining "christian" as those judgemental people, and "christian" as an organized religion.
True, but without going deeper into the various number of other religious groups out there, I was keeping it simple and from my point of view. Those people with the signs could have just as well been presbyterian, four square, catholic, etc. And I know Christianity is a belief, but I did attend Christian based churches most of my religious life, and so that's why I use it in those terms.
Thanks for your comment.
Fusion,
Good for you. I completely agree with everything you wrote. (I have to admit that so many of the things you write about I can identify with). I went through so many of the similar things. I was one of those teen christians who went to the hip gatherings where there were talks at the end. I thought I was doing what a good girl would do, but in the years since then, I've really begun to question it all too. Religion is nothing but interpretation. The Bible wasn't written by God, it was written by men. I saw a tv show the other night that talked about books that were originally part of the Bible but were later removed. This was decided upon by men. Some will claim that God decided through these men what should be there, but I don't think so.
Anyway, I really loved these posts. I'm so glad that you are working out who you are and what you think to such a degree.
Here’s my take for what it’s worth:
I don’t think that we as humans have the ability to perceive what God is.
God didn’t want to play with robots, so he gave us free will.
I believe that it’s easier to blame God than accept responsibility for our own choices.
Men actually wrote the bible, so we can’t be sure of the accuracy.
As Fusion told his story, I could just see Jesus cringing at the actions of his “Christians”,
“Uh thanks, but I don’t need your help”.
We are on a journey that won’t end until we take our last breath, things will change.
All I know is that when I’m really scared my instinct is to call out to God.
I don’t call out to anything but God. How can he not exist?
Is this all there is? Work hard, pay taxes and die? How boring, God seems more talented to me than that, and Fusion’s got the photos to prove it.
I’m just saying…
Cathy
Fusion,
Great post. I swear I feel like you write mine for me. Mind if I copy it over to my blog? I won't take credit for it ... simply put I could not say it any better than you did :)
Ob
P.S. Just kidding about the copying part! or am I? LOL
And that is why i'm no longer a Christian.
I'm through with judging others.
Isn't it a shame that something that started with such good intentions - faith and love for your fellow man has 'chinese whispered' down to this segregatory kind of thing - you either believe or you don't in the eyes of religion - there is little tolerance for the in-between or the deviation from the path..
I love to read here. I love that you are so honest and open. Your journey of awareness and self discovery is one of the most interesting and I have to say, enchanting, things I have ever read.
xo
TME
You know, what really struck me about these posts was how little your former "faith" seemed to have to do with you at all - your own thoughts and feelings and yearnings. It all seems to have been something you were doing for other people or because you thought you should.
My feeling is that a relationship with God has to come from within - the desire for it, the search for it, and the form it takes. If it's not coming from within, then basically, it's not the real thing.
Thank you all for your comments, I had no idea how much this would resonate with others, but it gives me comfort to know I'm not alone in these thoughts.
It all seems to have been something you were doing for other people or because you thought you should.
That's it exactly Emily, thanks for stating that so simply.
I feel your pain J-dawg. Christians can be so annoying some times and rude about it. Nothing screams crazy person like sharing your thoughts of prophecies to people in the grocery store. This might piss off a lot of people but frankly to me religion was one of the first forms of government and it was used as a tool to control large groups of people with the fear of the unknown. It also makes me chuckle when people quote from the bible and take every little word as the soul truth of life when most of them have not taken the time to properly research were that information originated. You know there are 50 diff modern English translations and when matched and translated in different accent languages the meaning of the words change. The King James version is a perfect example of how Politics influences how these manuscripts are translated and the purpose of there origins. “The King James or Authorised Version of the Bible is an English translation of the Christian Bible first published in 1611. The New Testament was translated from the Textus Receptus (Received Text) edition of the Greek texts, so called because most extant texts of the time were in agreement with it. The Old Testament was translated from the Masoretic Hebrew text.”
Also not to mention that all these biblical story’s were told by mouth for the first 500 years. Any one ever play the telephone game?
The Idea of rapture makes me laugh. “This doctrine gained popularity in the 1830s, and more recently since the 1970s, by proponents of the premillenialist, and in particular the dispensationalist interpretations of scripture. According to this view, world events indicate that the fulfillment of prophecies of the end times is imminent, and that the rapture could take place at any moment.”
I would have to say I completely agree with about the judgemental christians. Although, my response to them was quite different. I still have a relationship with God, but not with those kind of "christians." The problem with their thinking is they think that if they do this or that they are "right with God," as though they could earn it. They forget that a relationship with God, His love and mercy, is a free gift.
Oh christians. We can be so dumb.
Interesting post. But in a way you are judging the christians ;)
Right there with you, except coming from a non-religious upbringing, yet rather agnostic and definitely hoping to be as tolerant and non judgmental as I can muster. Obviously working on it every day. Discovering interesting things about you every time :)
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