Secrets, Part One

Note: from now on I'm going to refer to my wife as "K". It was her first initial, and i find it more personal. I've had this post written for a few days now, but have kept rewriting it. I even posted it twice and pulled it back off. My friend B read it and said it was fine, and a new friend told me you can over think things too much when you're editing. So no more.


Ever since I read about AAG's decision to leave her husband, then later read this heart rending post by Emily, I have been brought back to the reality that was my life before K had her first seizure, and everything changed. It amazes me how quickly you can push aside the hard issues, thoughts and feelings when tragedy occurs, but I guess it shouldn't. Does anyone remember what they did on Sept 10th, 2001? I guess that's how it is. From that point on, all I could focus on was caring for K, regardless of how I had been feeling about our relationship and it's future.

And I have been so conflicted about writing this for the last week that I didn't even know if I could do it. I'm still conflicted. It's very hard for me to open up and discuss such a private part of my life. I guess I'm afraid people will say "Why talk about this now that she is gone? It's in the past". I don't know how that answer that . But I feel if I don't get this out of my head, I can't move past it, and for better or worse I'm the one still here.

I did talk with my friend "B" at work last week and she is the first person I've ever told this to. And surprisingly I found out she had already suspected part of what I reveled to her. She had known K and they had talked on several occasions. She told me that K once mentioned to her that I was her pal. And she found that an odd thing for someone to say about one's spouse.

K and I started dating in high school and as we dated it seemed to me that we did the usual things teenagers do socially, but sexually we were quite conservative for the times. The main reason was because she was a Christan (I was not at the time) and believed in waiting to have sex until marriage, and I went along with her on this. But still our hormones would overcome us, and on our dates sooner or later we'd end up making out in a car or on her mother's couch, kissing and fondling , rubbing against each other through our clothes. It was more than a year before K let me take her bra off ( she always kept her shirt on though) so I could explore her breasts, and longer than that to let me use my hand to rub her crotch, but she would only rarely rub on my cock through my jeans.

About a year and a half before we got married, my parents invited us to come with them on vacation to Washington state. They owned a travel trailer and K and I thought it would be a great way for her to get to know my parents better. That didn't happen (K and my mom didn't get along for most of the trip), but for a few nights while visiting my aunt and uncle, we had the travel trailer to ourselves. I remember the first night in such detail. We did not plan anything in advance other than sharing the bed which, since we were engaged, we felt was ok to do. We were a little bit naive and innocent, especially K (in fact, she was all her life). We were laying there in bed beneath a window looking up at a full moon, kissing, hugging and talking. Of course one thing led to another and we started exploring each others bodies more than we ever had before. This went on for hours, just kissing, and our hands all over each other. K let me (for the first time) stimulate her clitoris and in time she was responding to my touch with growing excitement, so I started to slip her underwear off. She was very wet, and I was very hard by this point. I really thought she was ready to make love with me. Her eyes said yes, her body said yes. And then...she said no.

*sigh*

The worst part is as I look back, I know that even with what didn't happen that night, this is the most romantic memory I have with K. I still sometimes look at a full moon and remember this night.

I tried to talk out her feelings on what had happened, but she wouldn't talk about them then and we never talked about that night again. I know now this was a warning sign that I couldn't have seen at the time. I just thought her Christian background pushed it's way back to the forefront.

For the rest of our time alone in the trailer we went back to the usual kissing and groping, still with less clothes on than usual. But from this point on in our relationship, K did let me finger her to orgasm. I, however, had to be satisfied with rubbing against her with my pants on, as she never showed any interested in helping me get off any other way.

We were married in October of our fourth year together. We didn't have much money, but we still had a nice wedding and I had managed to get us a nice honeymoon bungalow for three days in the resort town of Rancho Santa Fe, an hour north of San Diego. We had a gourmet dinner and picked out a special wine for our honeymoon night, but we didn't make love because K's period had started the day before. So we kissed, held each other and fondled some more, and I found out that night she wasn't interested in oral sex. I remember another night trying to show her how to bring me to climax by hand while we were making out, but she thought that was "icky". And she didn't like the idea of jacking myself off either. I was quite frustrated, but figured I'd waited four years already, so what's a couple more days.

We didn't consummate our marriage for almost two weeks. When we finally did, K made it so difficult for me that even though I was being as gentle as I could, I felt like I was almost raping her. She didn't tell me no, but I had to literally pry her legs apart to enter her. Afterwards K cried and said she was sorry, and it broke my heart. I always hated to see her cry.

Some of the pieces started coming together for me after this.

K was scared to death of the actual act of intercourse and I didn't know why.

About six months after we had been married, I found out .